I am so mad right now I could just spit. Last night I went to my local sandwich shop, Subatomic Subs, over on App Store Avenue (there’s a field between me and there, but I’m a runner, so it’s no big deal), and guess what I found? My favorite sandwich has been SUPERSIZED, and they expect me to pay a WHOLE NEW PRICE for it, even though I ALREADY PAID FOR THE SMALLER SIZE!!!
Can you even believe that horseshit? I’ve been coming to this place where I can eat my favorite sandwich any time I want at no extra charge since July. Makes sense, right? ‘cos I ALREADY PAID FOR IT. Now, FOR NO GOOD REASON, they want me to PAY THEM AGAIN for their “Huge Deal” (HD) sandwich, which they say is not only bigger, but enhanced with new flavors and takes longer to finish.
WHO ARE YOU KIDDING, SUBATOMIC SUB SHOP??!! You just WANT MY FREAKIN’ MONEY!!! I already paid you ONCE for a sandwich. NO WAY IN HELL am I paying you again for another one. Which do think I am, GULLIBLE OR IGNORANT??!!!
But wait, my day gets even worse. No sooner do I storm out of the place, when I look up and see a sign on the door of my favorite home improvement store, Terraria Depot: “CLOSING SOON” …WTF????!!!! I walk over and pound on the door, finally a guy opens it and says, “Sorry, dude, we’re relocating to a new store over on Console Drive.” I’m like, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!! And he says, all calm and everything, “Hey, no worries. We’re not shutting down this store. We’re just not accepting any more new inventory. You can still come here any time you like.”
Oh, REALLY??!! Hey, buddy, read my lips. I BOUGHT A RAKE AT FULL PRICE here 16 months ago. I PAID MONEY FOR IT!! That makes you ETHICALLY OBLIGATED to service my needs for an unlimited amount of time. What part of that obvious logic don’t you understand?? WAY TO CUT AND RUN, SHYSTER!!
But you know what? The joke’s on you, dummy. Those morons over on Console Drive don’t know a rake from a wrench. If you think you can make money off those mental midgets, GO FOR IT, BRO!!! I’ll be the one smirking on the sidewalk, watching the Console neighborhood numbskull fumble with your doorknob.
The world makes no sense any more, people. I’m checking out of this freak show. SRSLY. Right after I pick up my free underwear upgrade over at Bethesda Bros. Mens Store. This pair I’m wearing is getting old, and I just know those guys won’t disappoint me. Dudes make dragons over there. They gotta be cool. Whatever happens, I know one thing. I am definitely entitled to some new underwear.